Below is a journal entry from June 18, 2019, which helped me organize the idea(s) discussed via the Walk & Talk of July 22, 2019.
Freddy asked me to journal as part of my coaching follow-ups. He noticed during our second session that I had written quite a bit as part of my follow ups to session number 1. He asked me to think about a few questions, like what does “Super Dan” look like. What is the voice of the saboteur? What hinders my engagement? So I wrote those questions down in my Projects spreadsheet and I made sure to include working on those follow ups in my daily to-do checklist, and I’d revisit those questions from time to time. The best way for me to crystalize the ideas was to jot down responses via my spreadsheet.
I have journaled a bit before and this process felt pretty natural. I noticed when I had written down the Daly Salad Manifesto that I was sort of able to just pour out the ideas, sort of stream of consciousness. When I engaged myself to respond to Freddy’s prompts, something similar happened. I was able to generate quite of bit of content, all of which felt genuine and authentic. It’s like I was able to extract a long string of thought and logic into text.
If I stop to analyze my own pattern of thought, I guess there are lots of connected strings floating around at once. It can be densely packed. Some strings are connected to others, which can form a chain. I link the chains together into a logical sequence, into a “chain of thought.” I don’t usually have trouble verbalizing these chains of thought (hence, the Instagram live video Walk & Talks), but I think the act of journaling can create greater structure and clarity of thought. I found it quite insightful that Freddy noticed within my response to his follow ups something beyond the actual content of the text. He noticed the form of the responses, and suggested that this form might be an outlet for me.
So, he asked me to engage in a more regular practice, which I’m doing now. I’ve actually undertaken a few tangential projects as well. I did a write up for an Instagram post in long form and I wrote up a post describing the necklace that Collette and I created. Both felt quite natural and in each case my initial output was actually too long for the platform. I realized while creating the first post that I was bumping into the character limit, so I edited and was able to make it fit. For the Collette write-up my initial cut was 5500 characters and the limit (which I researched this time around) was 2200 characters. So there was a bit of an editing process as well. I really needed to pare down the text, which was not necessarily easy, but I was happy with the final output. Instagram is ok, but the character restriction puts limits on your ability to really explore a topic with any sort of depth.
That process made me recall writing in college and positive feedback I had received at the time. We were asked to write in a very clear and concise style in my business classes and I always had a knack for that. Many of the students seemed to have an issue removing the extraneous. But I was naturally able to write a passage, re-read it, and strip it to its essence. Maybe there is something more to uncover. Maybe that is another “super power” I have that I haven’t really recognized or tapped. We shall see!
I’ve been very encouraged by the executive coaching process thus far with Freddy. It feels good to have someone on your side. Someone that can help you see yourself in a slightly different way. A subtle shift in perspective can really change things. Freddy made me realize that I was carrying shame and guilt for the things I like and enjoy and for who I am, for the things I’m good at. What a powerful insight. I feel like that alone has been quite freeing. It’s like, this is what I enjoy, this is my fun, this is my recreation, it’s not like anyone else and it doesn’t have to be like anyone else. It’s for me and I don’t have to explain it or apologize for it (with the obvious caveat that in that process I’m not hurting others).
I realized that I’m not allowing myself enough time to “turn off.” There is a constant buzz going on. A constant pressure to be better, to do more, to perform, to improve, to fix, to prove. Freddy’s insight gave me the confidence to give myself a pass. To take a day off. To relax and be myself. And it felt really good. It felt like I needed it. I actually took a day off (first time in my life that I can remember doing that). I sent a text in the morning to my co-workers that said “I need to take the day” and I didn’t feel bad about it. It made me realize that above all else, I need to stay calm and clear headed and keep the stress level down. I carry undetected stress. At a much lower level than when I began meditating, but still, I’m carrying a baseline level. I want to further reduce that baseline, by letting go more completely. I think I’m getting there.
